Writing fail of epic proportions

[bradspyjamas]

When will I learn that a draft does not a finished work make? 
I started writing The Weight of Knowledge over two months ago and posted the first chapter only when I'd written all three chapters and finished editing 1 & 2.  I posted those two pretty quickly in succession, certain that I'd be able to iron the wrinkles out of chapter 3 in good time.
Yeah and oh look, flying pigs!
I just can't make it read properly and it doesn't fit with the first two chapters at all. I know part of it is that I'm working with really triggery material (describing how John feels when he realises he's put on weight, facing up to why he was able to hide it from himself, why Sherlock didn't mention anything, how he feels about it, what his own weight gain means to him and how he feels about John's) and that makes me nervous in case I upset someone (me not included although it hasn't been easy writing it - which was half the purpose in the first place). 
Then there's the damn writing style I was so eager to try out in the first place - works brilliantly for chapters 1 & 2 but it's strangling what I'm trying to do in 3, making things sounds flippant when they really shouldn't.
I've re- written it so many times I want to scream and kizzia has beta'd and even written her own version in an attempt to help me out (which is the one I'm currently playing with as she somehow managed to get all the good bits from my versions and string them together in her own inimitable fashion) but I still grates on my nerves and I refuse to post something I'm not happy with.
I just want it gone! 
Do I post and be damned or spend today trying to fix it (kizzia has offered moral support via Skype)? Answers on a postcard please :)

Comments

Things to Try

[azriona.livejournal.com]

So there's this scene in a fic that I haven't even started posting yet, and I was having trouble writing it, because it was somewhat triggery for me. Basically, I was going to give John a seizure, and I really didn't want to write it, because Andrew had a seizure over a year ago and for some reason, every time I went up against John's, I just...stalled. Couldn't write a word. Eventually, I did. I'm still not quite sure how, but it was a combination of the following (which will fit on a postcard, even if the background does not):

1. Ponder.
2. Speedwrite.
3. Don't think too hard.
4. Remember you have permission to not write it.

Will elaborate if you want.

Re: Things to Try

[bradspyjamas.livejournal.com]

*hugs you*
Think it is the last one that I need to get into my head.
I've been getting messages on AO3 and PM's on Fanfiction.net that are basically demands that I post the last chapter and they are making me feel worse about it. I was already hiding from it (hence 60 chapters of little things) but now I feel so pressured and I'm fretting that even when I do post it they won't like it.
I do want to write it, deep down, I'm just worried about disappointing people.

Re: Things to Try

[bradspyjamas.livejournal.com]

I forgot to say that I'm glad Andrew is ok now and thank you for sharing. I'm looking forward to seeing that particular story if you do decide to post it.

Re: Things to Try

[azriona.livejournal.com]

Oh, it'll post, I just don't like posting more than one longer story at a time, and EGT is still looking it over. I'll start when British Gov't is done, maybe a week in between to get some of the one-shots piling up out there.

You don't have to finish the story if you don't want to finish the story. I admit, I'd like to see the next chapter as well, but you said up front that it's triggery for you, so I kind of figured it was giving you trouble.

But as far as "don't think" goes....I do mean that. Write it, fast as you can, and don't think about it too close. It's how I got through John's seizure, which in the end, was NOTHING like Andrew's, and that made it easier.

(And don't think about what we'll think about it. Can't please all of us all of the time. Look at the number of people who liked Timing and the number of people who aren't reading British Gov't.)

Re: Things to Try

[bradspyjamas.livejournal.com]

Such good advice - I shall go and make coffee and then sit down, set my brain to freewheel mode and write.
Oh and all those people who arn't reading The British Gov't are daft - it's fab.

Re: Things to Try

[azriona.livejournal.com]

Ah, but no one gets laid in British Gov't. Fics don't get read unless someone gets laid in them, usually several times, possibly with lots of angst before and snuggles after. I've long since reconciled myself to this fact. :)

Re: Things to Try

[bradspyjamas.livejournal.com]

I think it's a fandom thing - Kiz has a Merlin wip that's amazing (although I think she might walk away from that tbh) and there is no sex whatsoever yet she's got loads of hits and people begging for updates.
Anyway, I read fics sans sex all the time (although I'm apparently incapable of writing them!)

[kizzia.livejournal.com]

As I said earlier, I'm more than happy to bash ideas around if that is what is required - and please don't feel obliged to my mock up of that chapter, it really was just a suggestion.
I'm around all day if you need me, hun, so just call.

[bradspyjamas.livejournal.com]

Thanks hun. I'm going to call in a minute :)

[ladyprydian.livejournal.com]

Do you want fresh eyes on it? I'm offering as I haven't read the other chapters of that fic so it will all be new to me.

If you want to yes, send me a message and I'll get back to you with me email address.

[bradspyjamas.livejournal.com]

Thank you so much! I might take you up on that tomorrow - it's in pieces again right now so I wouldn't inflict it on you like that.

The Dreaded Chapter Three

[impulsereader.livejournal.com]

Oh my. I'm terribly behind. How is all this going?

Re: The Dreaded Chapter Three

[bradspyjamas.livejournal.com]

It's coming together and Kiz is coming to London tomorrow for the week so she's going to write the bits I can't. Because I really shouldn't have played with my triggers in this way but I can't leave it alone!

Re: The Dreaded Chapter Three

[impulsereader.livejournal.com]

May the gods of writing, grammar, and stellar British television all be on your side as you finish up!